A Free-Market Energy Blog

“The Onion” Headlines We Would Love to See (some fun with fading Malthusianism, cronic cronyism)

By Robert Bradley Jr. -- April 1, 2014

If a New York Times editorial can debunk the population scare (“Overpopulation Is Not the Problem“), surely it is time for The ONION to go to school on alarmism in all of its flavors.

Political satire and parodies are forces for challenging and correcting the Shared Narrative and political correctness. As a step in this direction, and given it is April 1st, here are a few homemade headlines. (And MasterResource should not be serious all of the time.)

Here are mine–feel free to add your own in the comments section–or email them to me for a Part II if this is worthy of being continued.


Climate Change Responsible for Climate Change (and vice versa), New Study Finds

“I know it sounds redundant,” said one coauthor. “But it really is the chicken-and-egg problem.”

Climate Models Prove Climate Data Wrong

“Climate change has inspired a new branch of postmodernism called climatic-modernism.”

IPCC Revisions, Data Anomalies force Post Deletions at Climate Progress

“We are a nonprofit,” a spokesman for the Center for American Progress said. “The IRS will surely respect our candor.”

“Sierra Club’s ‘Beyond Coal-Oven Pizza’ Campaign Launched”

“Change can start with the taste buds,” said Michael Brune. “We must fight at all levels, even the smallest.”

“Al Gore’s Carbon Footprint Discernible, IEA Reports”

“We knew he was a world traveler and liked his pizza from brick ovens,” said an IEA official. “And all the little things just accumulated to where there is a little heat bump whether he goes.”

“Wind Developer to Vertically Integrate into Avian Meat Market” (W-Spam)

“Green bird meat could help improve the economics of wind power, post PTC,” said one financial analyst.

“Motorized Wind Turbine Significantly Improves Capacity Factors in Trial Runs”

“We are just plain tired of hearing about our unreliability and low capacity factors,” said AWEA. “So with a little help from our energy sisters, our vitals are going way up.”

“Poll: Most Voters Do Not Blame Global Warming for Humans” 

“We decided to reverse the question,” said one involved pollster. “The results were interesting once we sold the confusion.”

“Low Wind Capacity Factors Due to ‘Weather, not Technology’, AWEA Contends”

“We are ready to run at any time,” said the spokesperson. “What happens with the input is God’s will, not ours.”

“PhotoShop Prize Awarded to the American Wind Energy Association (AWEA)”

“Never has such greenery and bliss been added with such concreteness and steely fervor,” it was announced.

“DOE Sees Fraud in Gas-to-Gas Project”

“We were badly duped,” admitted DOE’s inspector general. “We have been so immersed in coal gasification projects that we jumped at this cheaper way to get gas. But it was not a physical conversion, just a mental one.”

“World Ended Decades Ago,” Scientists Report

We had food riots and then mass starvation and then a total wipeout. We are no longer here, in fact. If Paul Ehrlich was here, he would have confirmed this end for mankind.”


  1. Mark  

    DOE discovers that energy is not created inside of utility meters.
    But maintains properly accounting for “total” energy would be too difficult.

    disclosure: the last part is not fiction


  2. Tom Stacy  


    “Society is just going to have to work for the electricity system from now on”, a spokesman for the newly named Federal Consumer Regulatory Commission announced at a press conference. Origi8nally scheduled for 1:00 PM, the conference was postponed until 3:30 due to cloud cover and calm winds.


  3. Tom Stacy  


    In a surprise announcement, Treasury Secretary Jack Lew and GE President Jeff Immelt met at the Capitol News center. In the press briefing that followed, they sheepishly conceded that the American Wind Lobby, with the assistance of industry partners, had “finally blown the wind industry bubble so large it now spans the entire distance from Fairfield, CT to Washington D.C.”

    Reports from the Climate Data Center and NOAA indicate the bubble is blocking all winds heading toward the coast. The obstruction has sent wind capacity factors steeply south, according to analysts at AWS “True” Wind, whose name assures all of us they are always perfectly honest actors.

    Some utility executives are calling it poetic justice. “Them windmills have been canibalizing coal and gas plants for years. Looks like they finally turned their appetite on themselves,” remarked Tony Alexander of Akron based First Energy.

    Weather and economic experts agree that the next logical step is to end the wind PTC once and for all. The bubble is expected to dissipate just over ten years later, sources predict.


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